Congruency
I listened to a podcast by Brendan Burchard today titled “Reduce Stress and Recharge Your Momentum”. In it, Brendan talks about being congruent in the things you want and what you do in your life. It happened to fit well with my musings of the last few days.
I have always been a “see both sides” kind of person. I always want people to get along. When I was coaching, there were times when a few of the team members didn’t agree with me. One time they were so mad at me they cursed and were really unhappy. Another, they told me how terrible a coach they thought I was. Being someone who wants everyone to be happy, these instances really ate at me. As much as I wanted to have a super competative team, I more wanted my teams to feel the value in working toward a common goal with people they would consider family for a lifetime.
At the time, both of my bosses told me that I really needed to be stronger in my rules and stand by the consequences right from the beginning. One boss actually told me I should kick everyone off the team and start over the following year. Maybe she was right, but man. Can you imagine starting from scratch? Being assertive and setting hard boundaries was very disconcerting to me, and I ended up leaving both of those jobs.
Recently, I threw a fit because a group of friends had a different view than I did, and I was fed up with being told I need to stuff my views aside. That I was the one who was wrong and there was no culpability on anyone else’s part. I didn’t sleep all night after that. I knew I had overreacted and wasn’t congruent with my beliefs that we need to see both sides; to listen to others;to make a rational decision and choice. I was emmulating everything that I disliked in my friend’s views. I was also upset because I didn’t feel like I was being heard. I ended up upset at myself because I felt like I was losing me.
One thing Brendan said in his podcast was that we can be congruent in our thoughts and our actions, and things go right. Yet sometimes we are congruent in that our own values start to match those of others. This leads to getting stuck and ultimately feeling off..and stressed. Sometimes, we are so concerned about what someone else thinks about us that we stuff our feelings aside until we blow. And sometimes we have to draw a line in the sand, know when to walk away and know when to apologize.
I know I will still struggle with being congruent with my own thoughts and beliefs, while also recognizing that it is ok to speak up for what I believe. Ultimately, I have to answer to myself and my God. If I can sleep at night and be at peace when I express myself, then it will be worth it. If it creates anxiety and more stress, then I need to take a step back and refocus. Maybe changing my surroundings and walking away from that which brings more stress would be more congruent with me.
While I do have some regrets for walking away from my coaching positions, I am very happy that the angst that some team members felt at that time has faded. I am ecstatic that I am still in contact with my teams and still feel a part of their lives. As a coach or parent or any leader, you have to make those decisions that are best for the whole. Perhaps my walking away was cowardly because I couldn’t handle the angst. Or perhaps walking away from that which didn’t feel congruent in my life was the best way I could lead both my teams and me to better places.
We have all had trying times lately. If a situation isn’t jiving with what makes you feel happy, alive and loved, check in with yourself. Are you being true to who you are? Can you express that where you are? How can you bring yourself back to what feels right for you and what keeps you moving forward? Give Brendan’s podcast a listen..he gives some great examples. And be patient with yourself. Recognizing a need for change is the first step toward coming back to you.